Letter #6: Choosing EVMA, Our Egg Donor

Mateo,

As I write this, I worry about the words I will choose, the information I have (which is not much), and the curiosities that will spark in your mind after reading this. When deciding on ways to start a family - be it adoption, surrogacy, fostering, etc. - it is a battle between being selfish about our desires and the future repercussions of our decisions.

We badly wanted a family but didn't want it to jeopardize your happiness, your perception of family, or your connection to us.

All procedures would pose the question of identity - WHERE do I come from? And WHO do I come from?

As your parents, we can promise you honesty—patience and support when you feel lost. And love… unconditional love.

A love that will wait to talk to you when you are ready. A love that will help you find meaning in your history and future. A love that is pure and well-intentioned.

Papi Martin and I spent hours thinking of all your future questions and the scenarios you could be in.

Like most new parents, we wanted to do everything "right." We listened to all the advice we could get, bought books, and used Google as a sounding board for our questions and confusions. Before we started the process, we had met with various gay couples about their family journey. However, we never met a gay couple who had done this process. The person our friends knew was a straight couple in a different city.

Honestly, much of our worry wasn't about being able to care for you as an infant. If we were willing to gamble our lifestyle before we ever knew you, I can assure you that we would gladly throw everything away if you were to need something once you were born. We were committed to the process.

Sometimes we felt over-informed but lost at the same time. Our biggest worry was how this process would impact your future.

We saw surrogacy as assisted reproduction. We loved each other like any other couple, but our biology did not allow us to have a child. This process was a way for us to see that through.

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The Egg Donor 2022 Catalog had 41 pages, and it was sent to us in early March. Each page contained a code name, pictures of the egg donor, and basic physical and personal information.

Age. Height. Weight. Blood Type. Eye Color. Skin Color.

Hobbies. Occupation. Education. Goals. Nationality. and Medical Issues.

It was an electronic booklet of beautiful women with stunning pictures that would qualify any of them as models. I was amazed by their looks. Society has shaped our perception of beauty in a superficial way, and all these women checked the boxes for what we would consider beautiful.

Honestly, we did not care or talk much about your looks. When reviewing the catalogue, we focused on hobbies and medical issues. It was essential for us that you be healthy.

Healthy enough to physically play the violin like Papi Martin. Healthy enough to play sports and enjoy running like me (Papi Marcos). Healthy enough to go to school every day and enjoy it. We hope you experience the world and society in a way that fulfills you, not us. So you are allowed to rap, even though Papi Martin hates it. You can join swimming, even though it is not a sport Papi Marcos can watch while drinking a beer.

Papi - we hope that you are you in the fullest of ways. We hope you are curious enough to try everything.

In my years working with high school students, community leaders, and public speakers, the phrase "authentic self" is sometimes overused. It's powerful but confusing. It's easy to say but hard to do. It poses the idea that many people are fake or not true to who they are.

I've always thought that human development is not about being real or fake, but about the opportunities and resources around you and the willingness you have to dive into them to help you discover yourself. You must first learn who you are, then decide whether you live your life in full expression of that or suppress it because of social norms.

We want to provide you with a world of resources and opportunities to help you explore yourself, your thoughts, and your ideas - I hope you take them.

EVMA was on page 25. Her eyes were striking. So much so that we stopped to read her profile and learned she was artistic, both musically and through paint. She was Venezulana and studied psychology. She combined a little of Papi Martin and a little of me.

As instructed by the agency, we were to pick at least three that we would be interested in. After picking, they would give us a full report on each. While the first report indicated basic information, the full report gave details on their family's medical history, their previous surgeries, and even the hair color of their grandparents.

After reviewing the full report, we would rank them. The agency would reach out to them to see if they were still willing to donate their eggs. While we are unsure of exactly what she knew about us, we knew she was limited in how many times she could donate.

The conversation of choosing someone took months. We argued, we disagreed, and we weighed every option. This process also questioned our beliefs about nature vs nurture, our commitment to your well-being regardless of your biological makeup, and our confidence to problem-solve any health or personality challenge we could have.

EVMA was beautiful and simple. Her pictures portrayed a fully confident but humble human being.

Before starting this process, we had imagined what this step could look like. However, we didn't realized how transactional it would feel. These decisions would impact half of your biology, and we wanted to ensure we truly understood the person we chose.

I have a fond memory of a lesson in my 8th-grade science class. In an effort to understand genetics, our teacher made us complete Punnett Squares to determine our future child's characteristics. This diagram helps to speculate possible genetic outcomes between two individuals. This lesson would linger in my mind as we looked through the catalogue.

After completing Punnett Squares, our teacher made us draw the features our future babies would have. I was never great at drawing, and I remember my baby picture looked exactly like Jay Leno, a comedian that hosted a night TV show.

Picking an egg donor was the start of our real-life Punnett Square.